»~Pink Moon~ ==Chapter : 2== :What was once Unknown

hahaha well we all got our imaginations
glad you love it <3
also thanks for the correction it's always appreciated

 

You take two hours to create chapters...

Geez. I take more than half a day to painstakingly craft a chapter, FF net username reference not withstanding.

Anyway, CRITIC TIME!

Character = As blank as a slate. Seriously. You need to add more character in her. She resembles typical teenagers, despite having discovered the moonlit world, (Magic, I meant. A non-typemoon fan such as you wouldn't get it. She's also a Mary Sue. Search up TVTropes for that definition.)

Secondly... Your plot isn't too good. It's filled with too much holes... and not in the good way... I'm not too sure what's happening as of now, and why Sun decided to send her back in time.

Finally, miswording is everywhere. Seriously, some words tended to be replaced with other words that sound the same, but has a different meaning, like 'launch' and 'lunch'.

Rantings of a frustrated, writer's block infected writer. - FrostLancer.

 

i'll reply to you tomorrow it's 2 am and i'm to tired to explain every answer

--- Double Post Merged, Jun 2, 2017, Original Post Date: Jun 2, 2017 ---

Ok so @FrostLancer
1-I don't understand how is Mollie a blank character. You said she represents a normal teenager. A normal teenager would want to go with the popular groups but as you can see she didn't Aaaand it is not confirmed this Alex is Alexandra from the present time so that's a abnormal teenager move.
Also can you give me examples next time and not leave me hanging.
2-The plot twist has no holes I take a deep moment to imagine everything that i'm writting even the places and stuff.
If you mean cliff hangers then That is a nessecairy thing in every story. And for what has not been told about yet like the mysterious voice that I can't reveal anything so if that is what you mean by a hole then it's a hole that had been dug o purpose.
For not understanding that would be your fault as any other person reading this understood the plot very well and is keeping up.
THE trial IS going back to the past to get the orb. It's pretty simple maybe sun doesn't trust Mollie but she has to do the trial.
3- No need to point At grammar mistakes I know they are terrible I'm trying to improve day after day.
Also keep in mind if you compared chapter 1 page 1 with chapter 2 page 1 you will see a a massive improvement so please bare with.
That it thanks for your feedback and thanks for reading

 

1. She is a typical character. I could place her within people, and she likely wouldn't be able to stick out that much.
2. No, not cliffhangers or those stuff. I meant that... to resolve a problem, everything just comes out of nowhere conveniently -- almost like Deus Ex Machina (Or "Plot Armor", for writer terms) that suddenly arrives without prior foreshadowing.
3. Okay then. Just keep improving.

BTW, NARWHALE BLASE > KAMEHAMEHA WAVE. Period. End of story.

 

1- We'll see the story is still going and it's not ending anytime soon so maybe new special features will be in this character you never know in the end everything is already planned
2- Just like The Pink Moon event i explained about it but not everything all that's happening has a reason and doesn't come up out of no where like when people take out massive items from their back pocket. give it some time
3- Thanks


You bet NARWHALE BLASTE ALL THE WAY

 

NICE ! Its good and short . i want more
too much suspense

 

ok 130 views in one day That i didn't expect ! :O
thanks guys <3

--- Double Post Merged, Jun 3, 2017, Original Post Date: Jun 2, 2017 ---

sorry i missed your comment
thanks for the support appreciate it <3

 

Bruh too much pink but the story is still awesome, kek

 

i'll try to lower the amount of pink next time <3
Glad you love it

 

Stop vaping you junk

 

vape ?!! what's that ?